Yea! Heck yea! Come on! Come on!

All I do is win! All I do is win! Love that song!

Haaa - hey, welcome to f8, ok! We're going to change the universe! Ah, I say that every year. Alright. Alright, I want to start by focusing on some key issues. The first is the importance of authentic identity. I, am Mark Zuckerberg. And under this sweatshirt are rock solid, cut and greased abs. Yea. Great, now let's skip to the part where I brag about user growth.

Yea, this past year was huge ok. We've continued to expand throughout the world to the point that honestly, we've just stopped counting you guys.

To give some perspective, it's more people than the population of Europe, it's more people than are in the cast of Glee; it's even more people than claim they came up with Facebook - Burn!

But how many you ask? Who cares! Don't ask so many questions. I mean MySpace asked a lot of questions and I chloroformed it, drove it out to the desert and put a bullet in the back of its skull! Kiddinnng, kiddinnng. Not kidding.

But my point is our focus has now shifted from user-growth to user-engagement. User engagement is of course when Charlie Sheen gets married. Kidding! He uses drugs, wut. It actually refers to how we interact online and the trend is toward more sharing. You wake up - share it with your friends. You're out of toothpaste - share it with your friends. You take a crazy big number 2 - don't share it with your friends; that's for Twitter. Ok, yea, ok. But, you hear me - you know who you are.

But the future is moving toward greater openness. Take my Dog for example. Now, Beast started his Facebook page six months ago and thanks to his deeply personal sharing he already has 200,000 fans. This popularity has let to his new monicker - the Little Wayne of Dogs. There he is. That's the kind of openness Beast believes in, and this trend is nothing new. In 2008 a young, brash man - Zuck Dawg - theorized that the amount people share doubles every year. Now this came true and is now known as Zuckerberg's Law. It sounds impressive I know, but actually having your own law is now big deal - anyone can do it. You just start with a postulate or axiom and work your way up. Or you could hang out with girls - they're both great options. Totally up to you.

The bottom line is you get closer to your authentic identity when you share everything. Even intimate information can be shared in separate groups now. I mean heck there are times when I share just with myself. Sometimes several times a day. Sometimes at the bathroom at work, which I own so no one can say it's weird. Right Greg? Right? Yea. Ok.

I'm also proud to announce some new features on Facebook, for example a new list in your section of friends; it's called "I'm not really friends with these people." Yep. yep. It's the perfect place to put awkward classmates from Middle School, older drunk women you meet at charity events, racist neighbors, and aunts. "I'm not really friends with these people." It lets everyone know, I don't really want to be associated with these guys, but I could only ignore them for so long.

And also, are you sick of getting drunk and poking someone you shouldn't? Like a co-worker or someone you met five minutes ago, or your cousin? Well, I'm proud to announce a new feature called 'The Slow Poke'. It's the only poke that takes 24 hours to reach the person you sent it to. So you have a full day to sober up, realize you're an idiot and retract the poke. The Slow-Poke; because any dude who's had more than two beers becomes a raging horn-dog. yea. It's a hypothetical - hypothetical slide.

And now here's a song I wrote this morning at breakfast...2, 3, 4 - Trail Mix! It's crunchy it's sweet! Trail Mix! Don't drop it on the floor!

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Andy! What the h3ll are you doing?

ANDY SAMBERG: Who's...who's Andy? I'm Mark Zuckerberg; rock hard abs.

MARK: No, I'm Mark Zuckerberg. You're Andy Samberg from SNL (Saturday Night Live)

ANDY: Uh yea, I don't think so. Hoodie, sandals, it's classic Zuck Dawg. Slide!

MARK: Ha. Alright, you can drop the act now man.

ANDY: Fine, but sometimes I just want to be you Mark. I want to walk in your shoes. I want to take your face - off.

MARK: Don't quote Face-off.

ANDY: Hey, loan me a billion dollars.

MARK: Is that for weed again?

ANDY: I have glaucoma

MARK: Look man - you're just out here making things up. The Slow Poke; that's not even a real feature. The deal was I was going to feed you information through the earpiece and you were going to repeat me.

ANDY: Earpiece? Oh right, you mean this? I see the problem; it was in my pocket! Technical difficulties, right?

MARK: Yea, we call that user-error.

ANDY: Ha! Ha! Good one Mark! Well look at us up here though right, I mean this truly is a gathering of the 'Bergs'.

MARK: What other 'bergs' are there?

ANDY: Well funny you should ask 'cause look over here it's our old pal Jesse Eisenberg. (Impersonates Jesse Eisenberg) "This whole thing is so meta, it's almost Kafka-esque in a sense. You know if you'd invented Facebook. I'm sorry, this is going to come out of nowhere, but may I kiss you? May I kiss you?

MARK: No, no, don't kiss me.

ANDY: Sorry I was in the zone. Sometimes it carries me away. But uh oh, look out, because another 'berg' showed up and he's a real 'fighter'.

MARK: Oh no, not Mark Wahlberg.

ANDY: (impersonating Mark Wahlberg) Hey Zuck, how's it going? You created Facebook right? That's pretty cool. Hey is that Slow Poke thing real? I could really use that.

MARK: No, you just invented it! You just invented it Andy.

ANDY: Ok, well it's nice to meet you. Say hi to your mother for me okay?

MARK: Alright Andy, I gotta do the keynote. Um, have a good show on Saturday.

Alright, I'm probably going to phone it in actually, I used up all my good stuff on this beast forever! Go get 'em

MARK: Andy Samberg everyone!