Fornication - for an occasion - such as this, it's best to keep the speech short. I heard some advice that says that the best man's speech should last as long as the groom makes love. Thanks and good night. (laughter and applause)

Standing here tonight representing [] for best man, I'd like to say it is really a great honor and not one I really deserve. I'm not really the best man. I'm just a good guy trying to get ahead in a crazy world. The real best man, and we all know this, the real best man here tonight is sitting beside me, it's James Greene. I'm only joking, I'm only joking. I'm really the best man. Honestly, though, James. It's really a great honor to be up here today.

Now it's time for me to get down to the nitty-gritty of embarrassing the very man to show his great feat and act of complete foolishness of choosing me to be his best man. But now I have to go through all the times he lost his sobriety, all the times he did something stupid. Well, I would mention them but all the time he got into trouble like that, I was with him. So I don't want to be dirtying my own good name.

Let me just say one final time, that time with the French police, I'm really sorry, it was only a joke. We laugh about it now, don't we? Now speech writing isn't one of my talents. They enable me the ability to convince the French police that myself and James aren't drug dealers and we don't carry knives. Anyway, speech writing doesn't fall under this talent. I turned to the internet for help. After a couple hours of searching, I came across some, well some pretty good stuff - but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for speeches. After I got all the pop-up windows to close - it took a while - I did find a few really good speeches on the web, but unfortunately none of them were for couples named James and Linda []. I then turned to a very famous speech writer, Martin Luther King.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a dream. But it's a little bit dirty. I was sitting in an exam; I had to study for it. James and Linda were there. Either it wasn't James and Linda and we were all in space. But anyway, as Martin Luther King failed me, in the end I had to rely on myself. I thought a good place to start would be to ask what everybody else here must be asking - how did James, this player, manage to get such a girl like Linda. She's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving, and very caring, and she looks absolutely amazing today. She deserves a good husband unfortunately James got there before she realizes.

I know about what James is not, I'll tell you a little bit about this guy sitting beside me. James was born on the 16th of March, a day which I wanted to link to some important historical event, but it seems absolutely nothing of any importance happened for which I put the sole blame on the mother of the groom. It's not all your fault.

However, while researching for a speech, I learned that the Lord's Maternity staff where James was born still refer to the 16th of March as Bogey Baby Tuesday.

James was a bit of a slow starter, junior infants. He's a bit different from all the four-year-olds. He was twelve. After that, quite like Jesus, and just because I actually don't have anything else to say about his childhood, he disappeared from all written record and appeared a couple of days ago as the man we all know.

Anyway, I have been going on for a bit and I suppose it's time to be sincere. James, I've known you all my life and I can safely say I've never come across a friend who's more loyal, never met a man who goes further out of their way to help you when you're in trouble, never met a better man - sorry, James, what's that word? - it's his writing it's very confusing.

Okay, I should really be sitting down now, I just want to say, Linda, I've honestly never seen James happier since he met you. He thinks you're absolutely fantastic and I think everyone who has met you would be inclined to agree.

So I thought I'd finish on a very famous quote, James, from a famous philosopher, "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah. She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah. And with a love like that you know you should be glad."

I'm not gonna raise a toast for them right now, I'm gonna do that after. So please, everyone, enjoy your dinner.