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Ali G's Harvard Graduation Speech June 10, 2004

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Comedian Ali G takes the Harvard graduating class of 2004 to a whole new school in this hilarious commencement speech.

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Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv I iz done a capital 'H', coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain't no ignoranus. Things like 'apple' and 'orange' don't start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit. Me name be Ali G and me represent da UK. U! K! Whateva. For those of u who didn't study geography da UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, da capital of it is? Anyone? No, not u geography square! ....yes, it's Liverpool.

U iz clever and quite fly if u don't mind me sayin.

First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I wasn't totally mashed. Normally da only public-speaking that me does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.

Checkit, me agreed to speak here today coz me wanted to talk to de brightest minds of our generation, to see what makes Harvard so special, and also coz dey agreed to pay for me flight over here and hotel room. When your bill is bein paid for, u naturally assume dat dat includes essential extras like breakfast AND special interest pay-per-view movies. Imagine my surprise den dis morning, when I was given a bill for $164. Me was actually tryin to SAVE Harvard money by buying the 24-hour 's1utfest' packages at $19.99, I mean I could have paid for individual films at $11.99 each. Which would have cost u - [calculates to himself] Young and Tight....Backdoor Burglar

2......Backdoor Burglar 3.....Campus Confessions....Asian Fever...Shav3n Buffet [get lost] twice dat one... Cold Mountain - dat was a mistake, Backd0or Burglar 4 ....almost 490 bucks. I mean come off it, some of it was even research for dis, I iz sure one of de cheerleaders in 'Ivy League Amat3urs' was wearin a Harvard sweatshirt.....infact allo darlin, respek - I expect u need a cushion to sit on, aiii.

Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arsked ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, also President George Clinton was also ere I fink , and da one before him, and also...William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me'd love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me's got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de tv.

As me stand here today lookin at all of you, on this, your first day of university - I fink of all de fings me can offer you - wisdom, experience but most importantly of all 22 ounces of de finest Morrocan chr0n1c. Well, Dat iz if de Ex-Lax works - to be honest I usually go at 11 in de morning - but nothing dere - in fact me'd appreciate it if one medical students here wouldn't mind takin a look. Don't worry it's clean as a whistle, u could eat your lunch of it - infact me Julie has. I know u don't mind dat kind of fing does u. Respect.

Hearmenow, u iz de most cleverest students in America - some of u iz probably brilliant at counting - ye know...1,2,3...4.... I could go on...easy. Others of u iz brilliant at English - have memorised de whole alphabet 'a to x' and even be able to spell words like 'hippototamus'. Incredible.

I iz also well clever - me was so brainy dat me finished me education 6 years before any of u - at de age of 15 - even da teachers admitted dat dere was nothing else dat dem could teach me.

U students, u has come from every corner of da US - from da rainforests of Arizona to da deserts of Alaska. Some of you iz probably never even seen a black man before.......allo

Dere is all types of people ere, and it's fantastic to see dat Harvard iz finally let in so many women. A lot of u iz probably feminists or as we call dem in England 'lezzas'.

I agree wiv u - relationships should be brought into dis - de 20th centrury - u women out dere shouldn't have to do de cookin and da cleanin when u come home from work - u should do it before u leave in de morning, innit? Also, you women should only have to do alf the house work - it's only fair that your Mom should do the other half, innit?

But more importantly it's wikid dat in Harvard young women and men gets to learn so many amazing subjects.

Some of u here will have been studying medicine...dat knowledge come wiv a

lot of responsibilities. Remember, doctors is well powerful people - u can give life, u can cure disease and u can ask to see a woman's [whistle] wivout getting slapped.

For those of u studying history, u probably learnt a lot about de Presidents. Like who was Jefferson, and what did Lincoln give America - apart from da town car.

Some of u iz da best legal students in de country. U would know wivout even having to think about it, how to get someone off a charge of possession. And if any of u do - Room 204, Best Western. Just do me a favour put your ear to de door, and don't come in if u hears me shouting 'Natalie, play wiv me light saber'. Iz well apt you brought your grandparents, innit?

Let's talk about da finances of all dat k-nowledge dat's been dropped on u the last few years.

It costs $38,000 a year to go to Harvard. Now I don't know how u lot has earnt dat - apart from u - and u iz earnt every penny, but most of u iz got dat cash from your parents.

All you fathers out dere u iz made choices - wiv dat money u could have bought top of de range Lexus but instead u chose to invest in ya kids future. IZ U MENTAL? If u iz got other kids me hopes u don't make de same mistake again innit. Does u realise how many honeys u can get wiv da Lex? 'allo sweetness my son's got a Harvard degree' - 'wot, who cares'

Or allo darlin, wanna check out de dvd player in de back aiii.' [female voice] 'wot's dat?' [me] 'it's ostrich leather'. Not inappropriate. Not inappropriate. That was in the balance that one. So students give it up for your parents. Give it up for them. Respect them. Aight enough, enough. Chill out.

Let's talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment.

You iz da elite, u will be tomorrow's captains of industry. Sittin in front of me is probly da next Bill Gates, Donald Trump...and even Ronald Mcdonald. And even if you can't all be Ronald himself, most of you iz probably McDonald's Team Leader material. By da way, if any of u ever gets to do business wiv Sir Ronald, a word of hadvice - don't mention de size of his feet....him iz well sensitive about it. Me mate Dave actually met him, and he said dat even tho him may seem like he's always smiling, dere's a sadness in de eyes...coz of dem feet. All de money in de world - and science still can't do nothing. Maybe dat's something dat some of u M.I.T. nerds can fink about innit.

You lot will become powerful people who can change de future - and you need to, coz de world at de moment iz totally f-blank-blank-blank-blank-up. Yeknow de word - I been told I ain't allowed to say it - u know - u know de rude word. U know U definitely know...wiv de whole team.

Anyhow, u iz gotta fink bout de problems in da world coz u iz gotta sort dem out innit. Look at da environment - in 100 years time there won't be no more rainforests, ice caps will have melted.

Look at de state of family today - girls is havin s3x at younger ages, dere's an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin affairs - but we shouldn't just concentrate on de good fings. Believing in something is easy. Doing something about it is hard. Actions speak louder dan birds.

U has all got great potential to become great americans. And remember America is da greatest country in de whole world ...apart from Jamaica...and Holland.. oh yeah and Thailand coz u got dose g1rls [cherry p0pping sound], and probly some others - but u iz definitely in de top 20. U people iz da future, u has da chance to change de world, to hactually improve de lives of people -

Let's rap dis up now, coz I fink me feels somethin movin down below. So, what iz I hopin to take away wiv me from dis time in Harvard? - new friends, different ways of finking about da world, and as many laptops as me mate Dave has managed to nick from your dorms, while u has been sitting ere listening to me stalling.

But I has got ideals too. Just like de great civil rights leader Martin Luther Van Dross, I haz got a dream...of little black girls and little white girls...playin wiv each other. Let's make it happen. By da way Kofi Annan's speech is pretty much like diz tomorrow. He's going to hav to come up wit whole new material.

I look out and I see 1000s of people wiv different hopes and different dreams - but it is important never to forget where u all came from - becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all comes from de same place - de punani. Jah bless - bigupyaself Princeton...and keep it real... wesside.

Courtesy of Harvard Magazine
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